White Stone Journal

Lord,

I'm raw material.

I could be made into something useful,

even wonderful.

But, as it is,

I'm full of impurities

and I cling to them

so that they persist

in spite of your cross

and their bad consequences

in my life.

I long to see your face

but I will be ashamed

because I have done

nothing with all you have given me,

even after you have loved me so much.

I have sought earthly help

from your ministers,

but they refuse to take me seriously.

they pat me on the head

and tell me to be content and pray.

I pray

and my heart is breaking

because it cannot rise higher

being so heavy with sin

or with desires for sinful things.

It is not so much guilt over sin

as frustration.

I have seen saints

rise very high.

Married ones,

single ones,

some farmers,

some priests.

Why must I lie here

in rags and sores,

hearing of a Glory

my own will refuses me?

My God,

please send someone

to release my heart

and train me in holiness.

My God, my God,

please

do not abandon me.

William E. Rushman, October 1997